I know(?)

Expectations are a curious animal. You may think you know exactly what is going to happen. You may lull yourself into a false sense of security. You've done this same procedure dozens of times and it's always been the same until all of a sudden-boom! Something new happens and everything is thrown out of kilter. Or not. Maybe it does go exactly the way you think it will.

I always knew what I would lose going into an institutional facility. Being able to choose what I would eat, privacy and Humphrey. Meals have been better than I thought they would be. Privacy is non-existent but not really an issue for me either. Humphrey is definitely the biggest loss and also the main reason I maintain my good attitude. (more on that later) I never really understood how easy it was to be positive when you live on your own with your pet and can make all of the decisions you want on your own.

My sister and my mom thought they knew who they were going to get when I moved to Oahu. I think they thought they would get a version of Ellen-on-Maui just in Honolulu. Nope! Not when you take away Humphrey and all my autonomy. Mom didn't realize that's what would happen. She's only just stopped asking why they don't do what I ask them to right away. When you sign someone up for 24-hour care, you are essentially saying this person can't take care of themselves. The facility becomes responsible for you. That's why there are so few people here in their right mind. You know who knew it would be like this? Me! That's why I did everything I could to stay in my own place as long as I could. Unfortunately, I ran out of money.

My sister thought we would be able to go to movies together. That has always been my main activity. That would be lovely if not for the fact that I am older and my MS symptoms are becoming more pronounced. I have always been heat sensitive so it doesn't help that I went from about 1600 FT elevation to sea level. Heat(especially direct sunlight) can weaken me in seconds, and I won't fully recover until I get a good night's sleep. My eyes have different focal points, so I have permanent double vision. Now, the easiest way for me to watch a movie is lying in bed on my tablet. It's always open and plays exactly what I want to watch.

I have found that my family can provide the biggest expectations to overcome. Living together means everyone has their place. Breaking out of the expectations of your family can be difficult. Without being aware of it, your family assumes you will act the way you always have. Assumptions and expectations are different, but that difference is subtle. I find expectations are a little bit more flexible than assumptions. Assumptions are conclusions based on prior experience, whereas expectations are not as set in stone.

I keep my expectations low so as to reduce disappointment. I believe people will do what they say they will, but I am not mad if their plans fall through. My calendar is extremely flexible, and I can easily reschedule if someone needs to. If someone does miss an appointment, most people are hard enough on themselves without me adding to their bad feelings. I also have a highly developed sense of denial that kicks in unconsciously whenever I want to gloss over a discrepancy or leave things unresolved.

I have learned that creating something positive requires a positive attitude. This is what keeps me up despite seeing Humphrey only once a week. I know there is a better place to live where he is with me. If I just keep surrounding myself with that feeling, eventually that will become my reality. I know this is a big ol' heaping helping of new age BS, but dear reader, that is what I believe. In order to stay optimistic, I believe in possibilities I can't see and do not know how they will happen.

Welcome to my world!