Goodbye Humphrey - 9/16-22/24

Monday, September 16th

I had been looking forward to today ever since what I thought was the disastrously bad visit on Saturday, at least from my perspective. Listening to everyone else say hello to Humphrey as they peaked at him under the table or wherever else he was was endlessly frustrating. It reminded me why I had stopped going to Mom's to visit Humphrey. Today I could actually feel him next to me and have a proper Humphrey visit. I had been making the mistake of thinking that because he hadn't eaten anything in many days, he would act weak and listless. Nope! He was as active and cheerful as he always was. He just looked like he was a walking skeleton.

He had fooled mom, who didn't have experience with cats, and I might have been fooled too if it wasn't for my other cat, Kula. Cats have an amazing capacity to disguise pain. They would rather be treated as if everything is fine and go out on their own terms instead of being an invalid. I had to remind myself of that constantly or I might have fallen into the mistaken belief he was fine and why are you so sad?

Whereas I wanted to just have the vet come, give Humphrey the shot, and then leave with his body, M warned against it, fearing the consequences for me if I was found out. Mom scheduled the final shot for Wednesday afternoon at 3:00 PM. Mom and M would bring him to me at 1:30, and I would have an hour and a half with him. I talked to him directly and told him, even though he seemed spry, I knew he couldn't be comfortable. He would sit next to me for a while and then stand up again as if sitting didn't feel good. I thanked him for all the wonderful years we had together. I thanked him for being so wonderful with mom. I told him how honored I was that he had chosen me to go home with.

I had arranged for A to come at 3 PM, but somehow I wasn't clear, and she had waited for me to confirm I needed her. She had also texted me at 2 o'clock, but my Notification volume was set very low, so I never heard texts or calls come in. Perfect! What a wonderful day to have the person who would give me an extra two hours with Humphrey get screwed up. I kicked myself hard. Mom didn't mind so much staying an extra hour, but M was visibly pissed off. He was gracious and waited, but he was not happy. A got here at 4, gave me some nice yellow mums, said her goodbyes to Humphrey, and then had to go. So then everybody left. I thought about being bitter, and instead resolved to communicate better with my helpers.

Tuesday, September 17th

J was out of town so I had nothing to do but think about yesterday and tomorrow. Not a good place to be. I started thinking about how I would start sinking into bitterness and resentment about why couldn't I have seen Humphrey more and how unfair life was. I knew I did not want to stay in that place, but I felt sincerely justified in visiting for a while.

Wednesday, September 18th

The dreaded day was here. I felt sad thinking about it. I was not supposed to blab to everyone what was going to happen, but as I tell everybody everything, and as many people who worked with me knew and loved Humphrey, I wanted to tell them they needed to say goodbye to him as he would be gone after today. It largely did not matter until the social worker came to ask me if I would be going to the resident council meeting today. No, I said, Humphrey would be coming later today and he was getting his final shot this afternoon so I need to stay in bed.

She loved him and was sad, but she also followed the rules and so mentioned it to the hospital administration at the meeting she had directly after seeing me. Now the big dogs were involved. The head nurse on my floor told me I would have to move outside. I burst into tears. We would be in a brand new place and Humphrey would be very curious about it. It would also be outside, which Humphrey loved and where he had not been for three years. That would be a reason to jump off the bed. So I would have to spend my last time with Humphrey with a chaperone and with a very distracted sweetie. All this, and I would be outside in 90° weather, really not good for me.

The nurse got the approval of my next-door neighbor and went off and spoke to the administration, and they ended up approving that he could be with me in my own room at the end. Phew! Mom, M, and Humphrey arrived while she was talking to them, and M got a nice video of Humphrey‘s last exit from the carrier. As usual, he did not settle down by me during the video. I never got him settling down by me on video. He was always very aware of when he was being filmed. Eventually, they left me alone with him and we had an hour together where I talked to him almost the entire time. It was good.

The vet from Arms of Aloha had a bit of trouble finding me so she didn't arrive until 310 or so. More time with my sweetie! She was very nice and explained everything before she did anything. I told her that I had not been able to kiss Humphrey on the top of his head for the last three years, so right after she gave him the sedative, she moved him on top of my chest so I could kiss the top of his head. And then I asked her to just leave him on top of me, which was wonderful. I had M take a picture of him that way since he was still alive, but just barely. We waited a few minutes then gave him the final shot, which she said would tell his brain to stop breathing. She warned me there might be a final audible breath or he may twitch a little. None of that happened. He very peacefully went to sleep and never woke up.

The vet was very patient and I appreciated that she really let me take as much time as I needed. “How long do you want him on you?”, she asked. “About two weeks”, I said. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to feel him lying on me. It would get morbid pretty quickly though. “I think I would have trouble eating dinner like this”, I said and the vet chuckled. Got the laugh, I thought. (oh Ellen, don't ruin the moment.) I told the vet to let me get one more kiss on the top of his head and take him away in the same move. I knew once she moved him, it would be apparent that he was not alive and I did not want ’not Humphrey’ on me for too much longer. She scooped him up and held him in her arms with her blanket completely wrapped around him. I knew she would take good care of him and I would recommend their services to anyone who needed that.

Thursday, September 19th

I ended up getting up in my chair even though I remembered my therapist wouldn't be coming because she had a conference. It's good to get in my chair, I thought. Thinking about Humphrey did not make me sad, which was interesting. I didn't worry about it too much.

Friday, September 20th

I deliberately did nothing today. Isn't it enough that you got Wednesday in excruciating detail?

Saturday, September 21st

My sister had flown back from Maui as her trial was finished. Since she had not bought me food in at least a month, I splurged and got two gluten-free pizzas from Pieology. Sweet! When she entered my area, I had a flash of remembering her wheeling Humphrey in and I could hear him meowing to be let out. I mentioned that to her and we both started crying. She was so sorry she could not be here for his last weeks. I showed her all the photos and videos I had taken during that time. She went to Care.com, where we had found extra cat sitters and cancelled my membership.

Sunday, September 22nd

What was left except to document what happened? I had started already, but a lot of the day was finishing the week. I reflected that I continued to feel nothing but peace and contentment when I think of Humphrey, and I really get that since we were both so connected in life. That is him sending those vibes back to me to reassure me that he is fine and he doesn't want me to worry. I also texted my friend who communicates with animals, and I will talk to her next week. I spoke with Kula after he passed away, and he thought Humphrey was a better cat for me than he was! I'll let you know how my conversation with him goes next week. For now, I look at the cover photo for this week's blog and remember feeling his weight on me. I made sure to have them take photos while he was sedated before he died. There will never be another cat like Humphrey. What a sweetie.