The Hole in the Floor

I am of the opinion that denial is not necessarily a bad thing. It can give you the time you need to process whatever overwhelming piece of information you need to digest. Take when I was diagnosed with MS. It took me at least a year to wrap my head around what was happening. I have been thinking about another unfathomable topic lately and in avoiding thinking about it, I have come up with a succinct analogy. See what you think.

When you first avoid an issue, it is only a small, dime~sized hole in the floor. Easily avoidable without having to look or think about it. As time goes on, the hole gets bigger, but it is still a manageable size. There is still more floor than hole so it is reasonable to not look at it, although you need to use your peripheral vision to keep from falling in.

After a while, you will be at a crossroads. It is still possible, though not reasonable, to avoid the hole. As there is now more hole than floor, you need to work hard to skirt the gap in the floorboards. This is no longer time you need to prepare so you can look at the hole, you are actively avoiding it. You will need to build a loft attached to the wall so you can live on that tiny island, as there no longer is a floor to walk on. You can survive there, but it is not much of a life.

On the other hand, you can take a breath, gird your loins, and look straight down into that gaping chasm. I know you think that is the worst thing that could happen, but it really is not as bad as all that. Whenever I have confronted what I thought was the worst thing imaginable, it was never as bad as I thought. You look at it and think, really? I was scared of that? That's no big deal. The idea of the issue you are avoiding can become a bigger problem than the issue itself.

So there you go! Pretty clever, right? It boils down to don't be a wimp, look at your issues, or live on a ledge. So this is the point where I tell you what my hole was. It's a big one. One of the biggest. The thing I have been avoiding is my own mortality. Yep. The big D. Death. The Grim Reaper.

(Whenever I hear that, I immediately think of “Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life.” The scene where a classic Grim Reaper is visiting a middle aged dinner party and has to convince them they have all died. How could we all have died at the same time? A bony finger points to the main dish. The salmon mousse. Hilarious.)

I'm losing floor telling you about one of my favorite avoidance topics. What I can tell you is, as with many things, Humphrey eased me into this subject without even trying. He just turned 15, and though he is a spry 15, I cannot help but imagine when he won't be here anymore. If I am still living in this hospital, I will not have a cat visiting me anymore. Well, not one who knows me. It only worked with Humphrey because we had lived together for 8 1/2 years before I came here. That is a strong motivation for me to find a new place to live.

Humphrey is another unending distraction that I love, but come on, people! We're talking about death! Let's not get distracted again. I definitely believe all the friends and relatives who have already passed away will meet me. That's a very comforting thought. I also believe that we are here on Earth to experience the illusion of separation. We are all really facets of the same diamond. When we die, we will leave our physical form and join the rest of life in an amorphous whole of love. How's that for a liberal West Coast belief? (Oh great, way to bring politics into a completely innocent subject.)

This is the beginning of a conversation. One that I am looking forward to having with my sister. I'm not sure she is looking forward to it, but the fact that we would be talking about it will make it a manageable conversation for both of us. My mother is more at the building a loft stage. She would not have as long to live up there, but my sister and I can gently guide her to at least acknowledge the hole, if not peek into it. Things are somewhat complicated by the fact that once I look into the hole, I expect everybody to be able to. We’ll see how that goes. Cheers to everyone acknowledging their own hole!