How to Trick a Kid into Liking You

Now that I am older, I definitely see the advantage of having children. Since it has turned out that I am living my twilight years with significant disability, it would have been really handy to have a spare human around to help me manage daily living. Someone I could scream at, er, vent to, boss around, and have as a general companion.

As that did not happen, I will have to make do with what I've got. It's not easy, but I have a surefire way to sucker a kid into caring for you. It works best if you can get them when they're young. You start when they are two or three years old. I know, I know, they are particularly useless at that age, but hear me out.

You start by doing all the crap they recommend—playing with them and listening to them. There will be lots of repetition, and it will get really old very fast, but putting in the time now will pay off big later. The more you smile and nod, the more they will believe they are interesting and that you are interested in them. Corny, I know, but it works.

When I was just 25, my boss at the time had just gotten remarried, and they had a little girl. She was a cute enough blob, I suppose. I ended up spending a lot of time with her, giving her a bath, playing games with office supplies, and doing other pointless tasks to placate this unformed ball of flesh. I ended up changing jobs and moving away, but even now she remembers me fondly. You hook them when they're young, and they're yours for life.

I ultimately saw that as a wasted opportunity, as I could not take advantage of the relationship I had started to build. I got another chance years later when I had to move in with my mother and stepfather. Just before I moved, my cousin had given birth to a son. He was just one year old. Perfect! I sprang into action.

I had just started using a manual wheelchair the year before, so I was still in good shape. Every chance I had, I would spend time with him. Thank God, I missed most of the completely useless infant stage. They don't really get interesting until they can walk and talk. Then I had to endure years of listening to him prattle on about whatever story he was making up about the game he was playing, the bug he was chasing, or some such nonsense.

When he got old enough to start reading, I introduced him to some great literature, such as Mad Magazine. Finally, an opportunity for some culture. If it was good enough for me, it was probably too good for him, but the boy needed some irony and a sense of humor. He took to it like a fish to a piece of cheese, if the cheese was made of water, which is a very long way of saying he was smart enough to like it.

Now we get to the sullen, uncommunicative teenage years. Or so the stereotype goes. He didn't talk much to anyone, but I always got some kind of response. It's working, I thought to myself! All that time spent pretending I gave a damn is starting to pay off! He's still too young to be of much use to me, but I just have to stay the course.

A few years later, and he has texted me a number of times, all on his own! That feels like a real accomplishment—capturing the attention of a teenage boy. And all I had to do was appear to be his friend for his entire life. What did I tell you? Easy as pie. Now all I need to do is convince him to build his life close enough to me to be useful to me. Hmm…