Monday, January 27th
When I saw this movie in the Surveillance Cinema collection on Criterion, I knew I wanted to watch it. All I really remembered of it, besides random bits and pieces, was the image of Gene Hackman sitting in his ruined apartment after he had torn it apart looking for a listening device. So I vigorously suggested it to Mom and M, expecting a tense thriller. It is a very good movie, but not edge-of-your-seat suspenseful. I want to watch it again and appreciate the methodical nature of it. Just like GH’s character with his cheap, creepy raincoat.
Tuesday, January 28th
R did not show up today for the massage. I thought maybe she had rescheduled for Thursday so I will see if she comes then. I got up in my chair as today I got a haircut! I had waited about five months for my hair to really grow out. Because I am especially balding at the top of my forehead, I can wait an extra long time between haircuts, and nothing gets in my eyes. I am not happy about that. I took some pictures immediately after the haircut, but no one will see those as they are extremely unflattering. It is a good example of how much hair I have lost in a little over three years.
Wednesday, January 29th
Mom came by and fed me lunch and we had a nice chat. I was wondering how she felt about me naming Freddie using Petie’s given name. Petie was her husband for 38 years and his given name was Frederick, although he went by Petie his whole life. I wasn't sure if she found it manipulative of me to give the cat I would love to adopt her husband’s name. She didn't. I showed her some recent pictures of him and she thought he was cute. She understood that I used the name out of affection and as a tribute to him. I can't think of a bigger honor. I spell his name with an IE because that's how I spelled my stepfather’s name.
Thursday, January 30th
Freddie day! About an hour and a half before they got here, I had tried to communicate with Freddie. I started off by apologizing profusely about not talking to him for so long. Then I asked him if he would like to be my kitty buddy. I got a yes. Inspiration hit me and I told him that as my kitty buddy he would be in photos with me and I would use those photos on my website, where lots of people would see him. Organizations sometimes have a mascot, but I would have a mascat. Pretty clever, eh?
I also told him I would love it if he sat near me as a sign that he had heard me. When they got here, I told my therapist about the conversation. It was a very rainy day and you could hear thunder a few times. That was causing Freddie to be a little nervous and he wandered back to the carrier. He got in but the end was left open and the table was against my bed so he could get out if he wanted to. Then she set up my iPad so I could read my latest essay out loud. In doing that, Freddie's view of me was blocked and he got back on the bed and walked toward me. He settled just behind the iPad where I could touch him. He likes hearing my voice when I read something and he was also fulfilling my request to sit near me. Perfect!
Friday, January 31st
I remember at the time thinking, I have something to write about today. And now, I can't remember it! Oh well, I hope it wasn't anything important…
Saturday, February 1st
Now I remember that I had been working on my projected budget for this year. My sister had spent a long time going through my bank account, credit card, all the Amazon purchases, and my mom's records for my trust to get a thorough and accurate accounting of all my expenses for the past two years. This was the kind of project that I enjoyed doing when I was working. I was using a slightly different program with Google Sheets instead of Microsoft Excel, but it was very similar. It only took me a little over a day and a half to create a tidy budget with formulas and notes. Of course, my sister did not look the least bit impressed while she noted how to do the things I did.
And of course, I returned the favor by complaining that her not-as-tidy-as-my budget was hard to understand. I let her add rows for taxes and other expenses and add to the notes. I can do a lot in my head because I have to. I know what different numbers are referring to without explanation. My sister, my mom, and most other people need the explanation. That is a little exasperating for me. Keep up!
She also put together the new tablet stand I got because the old one was worn and getting wobbly. She will take the old one to Goodwill as someone might be able to use it. Or they will throw it out. I did not have her bring me any sushi as I had spent way too much on outside food last year. I have a good amount of snacks that I haven't eaten yet anyway.
Sunday, February 2nd
Mom came by today and gave me lunch. I showed her the budget we had done and complained a teeny bit that my sister had gotten way too specific on a few items. She wanted me to change the food number from $20-$18 to be more accurate. Mom and I both agreed it was better to round up and leave room for tax. I think of this projected budget as a guideline to refer to as the year goes on. Then you look at the actual numbers and see how close your estimate was. If I spend too much in one category, then I know to cut back the next month. I think on my feet a lot.
My mom and my sister are both wary of the nutritionist I've been working with for the last 30 years. She uses very alternative methods, which I have always been into my whole life. Because they do not understand how it works and because the supplements are expensive, they now have the opportunity to stop spending money on something they consider useless. I think they are vital to my well-being and have considerably slowed the progress of my MS. My nutritionist sees this dynamic as indicative of my own insecurity. Their doubt is a reflection of my own doubt in myself. If I can change my own doubt, their's will shift as well. Get on it, me!
I like to write out my thoughts so I can see them in an organized way. I am a little glad this is a one-way communication, as I can't see anyone rolling their eyes in disbelief. I also can't see anyone who's cheering me on. The photo shows Freddie on Thursday sitting next to me. Very cute! I think he will make an excellent mascat!
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