I am not Brave

I definitely understand the power of me, as a disabled person, participating in life. Early on when I became disabled, I enjoyed being an inspiration to others when I went to the fundraising walk for my disease. That is an appropriate place to look at me and think “She is why I raise money for MS” (or whatever). What can get annoying is when an able-bodied person is inspired by me just getting through my day.

“You're so brave!” is the usual refrain. Really? I ponder silently to myself. I did not fight my way through a pack of rabid wolverines to get here. (and if you did do something truly exceptional that scarred you, let me be the first to say I applaud you.) It's just that me doing normal things looks a lot different than you doing the same thing. For me, life is one big occupational therapy session. But OT is a good thing, and if I am trying to do something, please give me the opportunity to complete it. Ask if I need help. There is nothing more frustrating than almost completing a task and having a stranger magnanimously rush in and do it for you.

Of course, the opposite of that is also true. There are few things lonelier than being in a crowded place with people all around you who don't seem to notice you are struggling. Asking for help will be the next essay as I need more than one sentence to cover that topic.

What does “you are brave” mean anyway? It could mean “You're doing a lot better than I would be if I were in your shoes. (And boy, am I glad I'm not in your shoes)” It's a way of distancing yourself from me: “You are over there courageously attempting to do a simple thing that I can do easily. I am over here hoping that I never have to experience what you are going through.”

I don't mean to make you sound like an uncaring jerk. Look, I don't want to be in my shoes, but I don't have a choice in the matter. And you don't know how you will react until you are in my situation. It's only one bad car accident away--Put your phone down.

It could also mean “I can't believe you are out in public where I can see you.” (Ooh, you are a jerk.) The truth is, there is bravery in exposing yourself to the public when you don't look the way you wish you did. The thing is, it gets old quickly once you realize nobody cares. They are all worried about how they look. (If they do care, it could be a reflection of how you see yourself. Remind yourself that you have every right to be out in public. And they don't know how hard you worked to look this good.) You do what you have to to get by.

So what have we learned? Me living my life looks amazing to some. Always ask before you "help" somebody. (Note to self: Don't put quotes around help if you know someone is genuinely trying to help you.) Give yourself a break and realize what it took to get to this point.

Everything is an assumption inside your head until you talk to the person. Instead of seeing me as the brave one, you be brave enough to ask a stranger if they need help. Then, you can pat yourself on the back for stepping outside your comfort zone. It's easier than you think.